These past years have felt like a whirlwind of growth. It's been a while since I've opened up in my journey and hope this reaches anyone feeling into a big inner change or if you're tiptoeing on the edge.
In a strange way, I completely fell in love with being in a cocoon... It's soft, warm and safe. I was growing but I almost couldn't find the strength to burst through and dry my wings- I wanted to wait forever.
I had these intense dreams of my past life, my toes never quite touching the ground and my heart never let anyone truly in, yet I felt into this energy that let me feel so free and boundless...
Surfing was my compass but when it was taken completely away from me when I broke my wrist, I never knew how reliant I became on it distracting from real feelings. I went through a lot in those 13 weeks away from the ocean and it was truly one of the hardest time both mentally and physically. Heading back into the ocean wasn't as warm embraced as I would have expected and surprised myself with a constant battle of whether I was still in love with the ocean but in absolute honesty, I was comfortably stuck in bed most mornings. This deep mundane feeling in places where I was surrounded by such great energy- I wanted to wrap myself in the cocoon forever.
I ended up getting blood work done and finally meeting a naturopath as everything I was feeling mentally, became to show it's self in physical form. I had issues with my cycle, iron, b12 , oestrogen and progesterone deficiencies that matched with feeling below zero everyday...
I didn't feel ignited in any aspect of my life even when new and exciting opportunities began falling into my lap- I didn't give myself permission to fully be there and accept.
It was a hard end to such amazing lessons and connection back to source spirit but it felt like the process wasn't mine. I was floating above my body and it was time to land back down.
I got a wonderful opportunity to travel to Mexico with the Gopro team to film a surf trip for the launch of Hero11 and it forced me to jump into a small glimpse of solo travel... I felt the sparks as soon as I left- facing a strange realisation of what solo travel gave to me- with time and deep silence allowing me to soak in more experiences.
I came home with a certain urgency to give myself every chance to become my own home, to accept a dependence that was completely my own. I decided to take another opportunity with GoPro to attend the 2022 GoPro Creator Summit in Switzerland and stay there.
I was halfway to being with my father's family in Ecuador and could just feel the unanswered questions of where I come from rise- I need to go back.
The intentions of leaving my cocoon came to life and I met with a few moments of flying through storms when travelling.
I wanted to get to Norway via train and begun the journey from Hossegor through to Paris where I had to change train stations with three surfboards, my 2 bags of luggage and a skateboard strapped to my backpack. I had been rejected by Ubers with my surfboard in the past so I thought the Metro would be the easiest. It was exhausting but I met a nice girl who helped my surfboard down the countless flights of stairs... I slotted my board upright to fit like a pack of sardines on the train, bumping into lots of people with the skateboard. I reached my station and felt a vibration from my phone in my pocket. I had left an AirTag in my wallet and of course, it was notifying my that my AirTag had been left behind. Oops.
I watching it head the other direction and without thinking, quickly blocked my card. Now I was in Paris about to take another 4 hour train to Germany with no cash, no cards and no food or water for the 24 hours of travel ahead of me... I'm not sure how but I kind of kept laughing and knew that I'd be okay, it was almost like I had expected it and was prepared to rough it. The midnight train from Frankfurt through to Denmark left earlier than scheduled and after a few hours in conversation with the 1am crowd, huddled next to my surfboard, I was really starting to feel it. I had train hopped all the way to a small town named, Kil in Sweden. Arriving in the dark and leaving in the same black hue- grateful for a few hours of sleep, I met with a closed train line to Oslo, Norway which meant sitting in a dark bus stop... Praying (and adding as many layers of clothing) for a bus to arrive.
If you thought my wings had dried and I was ready to spend the rest of my days gliding through fields of wildflowers... Another low pressure system formed....
The same day of arrival to Oslo, I picked up friend and photographer, Paula Ortega for our amazing adventure through Norway (you can read more here) with a big "uh oh" realisation... We rented a camper van but only I had the drivers license for the booking... I had luckily spent some time driving a friend's tiny manual car in France (another cocoon moment) but I had never driven a car to this size- through Norway's tiny mountain roads and rush hour out of Oslo. A strange smell and quite a few stalls driving out of the rental place meant a detour to warm up around the parking lot... I couldn't get it out of first gear. Paula and I looked at each other silently and were both thinking about how we were even going to do this trip. I mustered up every single drop of courage and told Paula to talk non-stop as that would calm my nerves... and we did it! Elated and exhausted we camped in the middle of the snow on our first night in Norway- it was magic.
In a bigger sense, I've been testing this confronting reality of traveling while being fully aware of the effect on the environment... During the pandemic pause, I first felt a great moment of restful time for our earth when air travel came to a halt. Pollution of all kind seemed to slow for a few months and it was confronting reality as I have been flying around the world all my life. There also came a fine line of hope and despair as oil and gas mining, global food transportation and destruction of old- growth, native forests ramped up behind closed doors...
Seeking out local foods and supporting neighbourhood businesses became essential and rather than self-sufficiency, it was about community.
I can never doubt the pull my heart takes me and as the world began to open again, with a sudden chance to get halfway, I jumped on my first plane journey for 3 years with some confronting moments...
Have I reversed the lifestyle that kept me nourished in sustainability? I felt like I had unlocked a big solution to how to live gently but here I was checking into a flight with huge carbon emissions...
I had to confront the hypocrisy of this and come to admittance. Acceptance to keep moving forward with action. I have been learning so much and connecting with people who are creating this in their local communities. Dismantling the global expectations and focusing on local change.
I think I am on a journey of connection. Finding these light moments in the thick of chaos through the kindness of strangers. These unique stories and backgrounds create a kind of expression that radiates hope and motivation.
I'm currently in Morocco on Christmas Eve, reflecting on 3 months of solo travel through Europe on the train, learning to say yes and to say no, meeting long lost siblings and reconnecting with friends, coming to a deeper understanding.
In every in-between moment I'm relearning what it's like to be here in this body with the many gifts and blessed moments this life continues to present. My style and expression is evolving from a young excited baby bird falling out of the nest and flailing awkwardly about, to finally giving time time to grow into her feathers and beginning to take flight.
I'm slowly finding myself in a few worlds of curation- holding care for earth and communities while welcoming personal care in the many journeys.
I welcome everything I was and everything I will be.